Lost, Lonely, Forgotten, Free

“Lost” came to visit the day my beloved got his flight wings.  He appeared out of nowhere and began walking by my side.  I roamed from room to room walking into my beloved’s office.  I gently caressed his computer and his desk.   I carried one of his shirts inhaling the lingering fragrance.  The shirt remained tucked snugly under my arm while I quietly folded the clothes my beloved had worn when he took his last breath.  “Lost” walked in sequence with each step and mirrored my actions.  I walked in circles not knowing what to do, where to go or how to act.  “Lost” seemed to intrinsically understand my thoughts and feelings and introduced me to “Lonely.” 
“Lonely” perched on my shoulder.  She was dark, gloomy and had eyes of coal.  Once she settled on my shoulder, she immediately bent her knees and put her head down.  Tears tricked endlessly from her eyes, cascading down my arm.  Each time I tried to shake her, she would hold on tighter, clutching my shoulders until they ached.
“Forgotten” showed up shortly after friends and family said final goodbyes to my beloved.  I had to look closely to see her.  She was almost transparent, blending into the surroundings residing in the corner of the room.  Unexpectedly “Forgotten” pounded her fist on the floor, crying out violent harsh words about people, but no one heard her because she was “Forgotten.”
These uninvited guests began to get very comfortable in my home.  They brought with them tools that made the hole in my heart grow so big I almost resigned myself to live with them forever.
Days, weeks, months and years passed.  “Lost” seemed to silently fade into the background as I began to see a hope for the future.  He no longer walked beside me, clinging to me.  Eventually he slipped away almost unnoticed.
“Lonely” still clutched tightly to my shoulder refusing to let go.  She was determined to stay put.  The endless fountain of tears slipping down her face unto my shoulder made it difficult to go anywhere.  She ruined many invitations to go out and interrupted events I attended. 
On the other hand, “Forgotten” got tired of me pushing harder and harder to understand why others seemed to have gone on without me.  It was this determination and my recognition that people would not necessarily understand my feelings that led me to let go of the hurt and pain. Gone were the violent out cries and harsh words “Forgotten” use to speak.  Once she left, I could hear the songs of the birds and children’s laughter.  “Forgotten” had been so loud these precious sounds were hidden.
Daily meditations in the word led me to study Christ’s Suffering, John the Baptist alone crying in the wilderness, Ruth’s determination to follow Naomi and her God, and Esther’s boldness to go before the King to plead for the lives of her people.  The more I studied and prayed, the more revelation and understanding came of God’s Sovereignty and his deep love for mankind.  My heart no longer had the huge hole it in and “Lonely” was crying less.
One day I noticed “Lonely” was no longer bent over. She began changing before my eyes.  A metamorphosis was occurring, and I was a witness.  As her countenance went from black to a rainbow of color, I noticed tiny feathers beginning to appear.  Her arms changed into brilliant white wings covered with diamonds.  Her eyes turned from coal to the color of blue.  They began to radiate warmth and love.
In a blink of an eye, she took flight.  She had the strength of an eagle and the gentleness of a dove.  The diamonds danced upon her wings as she turned to flutter them one last time.  Her metamorphosis complete.  She was no longer “Lonely” she was “Free.”

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna