Flourishing in the New!

Fifteen years ago my mother gave me an Amaryllis.  It sat in the corner of my Hummingbird garden until a year ago when I moved into a new home.

During the entire 15 years, the plant lived but never grew and never blossomed.  When I moved into my new home a friend and her husband helped create a beautiful desert paradise in my back yard.  Lantana and new soil were added to my Amaryllis.  It received a great amount of sun and plenty of water.

Recently, while I was out in the yard, to my amazement I noticed the plant had grown tall and was blooming.  Beautiful flowers were open and stood stately in the planter.  I was shocked.  I had not previously noticed the growth and ensuing beauty.  I had been busy watering and tending to the plants but had not taken time to sit and enjoy their beauty.  It was in a quiet moment with the Lord that I looked up and saw the bloom.  I was in awe.

The plant had lived where it was, but now it was flourishing in this new place.  It had been given new soil, more water and sun.  What a difference it made!

This is like my grief journey.  I was living and surviving, but I needed a change in order to grow and flourish.  I had moved out of the home I shared with my beloved and was creating a new place of my own. 

15 years is a long time for a plant to survive without thriving.  As I relate it to grief, I am thankful that it did not take me 15 years to decide to move forward with my life.  I don’t want to just survive, but to flourish and thrive.  As I turned the corner and began to see light in the darkness, things began to change.  I had a new perspective on life, love, happiness and joy.  I slowly began to realize that I had a lot left to give others and to also give myself.  I saw a complete person in Christ instead of being Don’s wife.  I might no longer carry that Title around people, but that is now okay with me.  I am His Beloved Warrior Bride!  I was given a new name and a new purpose in life. 

Loss causes a plethora of emotions and I probably had all of them.  It wasn’t until I began to want to live again that new emotions surfaced.  Joy, Gladness, Contentment and Peace began to fill my heart and mind.  I slowly began to see changes, and one day I looked back and realized how far I had come.  It was as though a light bulb switched on, and I realized I was happier, more content, full of joy and peace and glad to be going forward with life!  My journey is far from over, but now 4 years later, I can truly say that I am living again. 

All of us love and grieve differently.  None of us will have the exact story, but we are all on this road together linked arm and arm.  As you walk your journey, I would pray that the Holy Spirit begin to gently encourage you to allow yourself to begin moving forward.  Each moment you breathe, each step you take is another step forward.  Allow your mind and spirit to go with you!  As you commit to this, one day you, too, will be flourishing.

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna

Mold Me, Shape Me, Heal Me, Send Me!

Reviewing my journal, I came across a post from August of 2014. I had spent June and July in Ohio with my oldest son and his family and was now home again in Tucson.  I was just coming off a Spring and Summer of additional grief in losing my niece to cervical cancer in April.  She had lived with me from the fall of 2013 until her passing.

My life is laying shattered on the marble floor below me.  The hour glass of time emptied May 3, 2013 when my beloved entered his heavenly home.  I look at the pieces and want desperately to pick each of them up and glue them back together.  As I try, slivers of glass get into my fingers and toes causing excruciating pain.  What am I to do?  There are too many pieces.  Where will I get the strength to pick them up and put them in the trash?  I scream out in agony!  I don't want to throw them away!  It is most of my life staring back at me as each piece glistens in the sunlight.  I hear them saying, "hold on to me, don't let me go, find a way."

Impossible!!  The life I led is no longer the same.  I have memories to cherish, but the road ahead is paved differently.  I MUST go forward carving out a new life.  What will it be?  I don't know!  I only know that it will be molded and shaped by God.

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna

Why Beloved Warrior Bride!

Why Beloved Warrior Bride:

My Ezekiel 2 & 3 Calling!

Many many many years ago the Lord put the call of Ezekiel 2 and 3 on my heart.  He told me I was called to a stubborn and obstinate people.  Those not unlike the Israelites who, although experienced miracle after miracle, still continued to turn their face from the Lord.  I was called to a place of briers and thorns.( I moved to Tucson in 1999 from Ohio).  I quickly found that I was and can be stubborn and obstinate.  The Lord led me to learn more about myself during this transition while helping others like me in the process!

Upon my arrival in Tucson, I was immediately connected to a dynamic group of women who loved to pray and worship.  We became know as forerunners and watchman on the wall as we pounded the heavens in fasting and prayer on behalf of our families and other women!  We prayed, cried, laughed, had visions and dreams and waited upon the Lord! The Lord taught us to take putting on the Armor of God seriously!  We became Warriors !  We battled on behalf of those experiencing regret, loss, shame, brokenness and other lies of the enemy! This is where I became a Warrior Woman for the Lord!!! This season ended and a new one began.

LAMb International USA was birthed:  

Lambinternational.blogspot.com; www.Lambinternational.org or Lamb International USA on FB.)

 LAMb International was birthed in 2002 out of a desire to teach, train and assist lay leaders and pastors in the work of the ministry and help widows and orphans.  My husband Don, along with my sister Ruby and brother in law Lynn came together and began our teaching and training ministry.
LAMb International grew and today LAMb has charitable status in Canada and the United States.  LAMb has Ministered and Trained individuals in over 30 countries.

My Husband

My husband and I were actively involved in the ministry together.  We not only ministered together, but spent all of our time together aside from Ministry.   In May of 2013 he passed away and with him went a huge part of my identity. I walked around in a daze for over a year. Although we had talked about death many times and were as prepared as we could be for it, I still did not know how to be complete without him.  We were high school sweethearts and had been married for 33 years.  I found it hard to know who I was without him at my side.  I stayed with my kids and grandkids and traveled with our Ministry trying to distract myself with doing.  Finally, the Lord very firmly told me I needed to go home and deal with my grief.  Wow!  I was good at stuffing feelings, but when I got home all the grief and pain came flooding out like a tsunami.  I spent days crying and walking from one end of the house to the other in a fog.  Depression started to set in and loneliness like I had never felt before took over quickly and violently.  I slowly began to realize that the more I prayed, cried and worshipped, the more healing was coming!  I gave myself permission to grieve and grieve I did!

The ups and downs of my grief journey continued and the end of 2014 I journaled the following:

December 13, 2014:  Journal Entry

Proverbs 18:14-16(NIV)

"The Human Spirit can endure in sickness,
But a crushed spirit who can bear.
The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge,
the ears of the wise seek it out!
A gift opens the way for the giver and ushers
him into the presence of the great"

Make way for the Gift!!!  The Lord was telling me to make way for the gift, seek it out and allow myself to be ushered into HIS presence!

I wondered how I was going to make way for the gift and His presence when I was still struggling with who I was as a widowed women!

The answer began unfolding three days later:

December 16, 2014: Journal Entry

Hosea 2:16a : "And it shall be in that day, that you shall call me ISHI(my husband)"  The Lord went on to give me part of the Song of Solomon 3:4 that says, "I have found the one whom my soul loves."  I saw myself in a white dress as the Lord took my hand and began leading me as a  Bridegroom leads His beloved Bride. Wow, HIS Bride!

I spent a few months researching, praying and even purchasing a ring with the inscription on it in Hebrew and English, ""I am my beloved's and He is mine"!  

I have walked through many ups and downs since that day, but am here today to say, I am HIS Beloved Warrior Bride!


Thus the name of the blog!


His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna