Silent Sadness of the Widow Shopper!

This Took My Breath Away!

I enjoy walking through Hobby Lobby looking at plaques with scriptures and admiring beautiful Christian art. On one of my recent trips, my eyes were drawn to several pieces of art referring to marriage, love, and living “happily ever after.” Suddenly gripped with deep sadness and loneliness, a lump grew in my throat; my heart started racing, and tears threatened to fall. I took a couple of deep breathes, walked down a couple of more aisles, and left the store.

On my drive home, I began thinking about my experience in the store. The reality hit me that I did A LOT of window shopping during the months my beloved spent in hospitals and rehab centers because of complications of his quadriplegia.  My beloved lived 23 years with his disability; the last five years were riddled with hospitalizations, emergency room visits and lengthy Intensive Care stays.

During those many hospital stays, I took breaks while he slept and visited the gift shop, Hallmark Store, or other retail stores. Day after day and week after week my ritual included browsing the shops while he slept or received treatments of various kinds.

While browsing the shops, I thought about him, our time together, our children, grandchildren, and the blessing of being his wife.  I prayed and thanked God that my beloved was still alive after many life threatening infections; yet, I silently worried about the toll of being bedridden for months upon months had on his body.

It was not until my recent visit to Hobby Lobby did I realize the sadness stemmed from all of the pain bottled inside watching him slowly deteriorate before my eyes.  Each hospitalization, rehabilitation visit, or day stuck in bed dropped more sand into our hour glass of time together.  My grief was not coming out in words or actions.  It was tightly restrained and unrecognizable, numbed by window shopping.

Realizing the root of my sadness, I am determined to work through the emotions. I won’t minimize the sadness nor stop window shopping to avoid thoughts and memories of our time together. I will embrace it all and ride out the wave of memories, emotions, grief, joy, and sorrow.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and binds our wounds.  I rejoice in knowing he is always there, just waiting for me to turn my face to Him as my healer and closest friend.

I cling to the verses below knowing He cares deeply for me.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Psalm 147:3 (NIV)
 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
 Blessed are those who mourn, for they WILL be comforted.
 


His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna