Un-Wrapping my Gift!

I have been sitting here this morning wondering what to write.  What word can I give to others walking through this grief journey with me.  I looked through my journals and found nothing.  I began to write a post and decided it did not flow together well.

All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, yet nothing seemed to be coming together on paper.  The Lord was simply saying “write.”  “Write down whatever you are thinking, and I will direct you in what goes on the blog and what stays hidden in your journal.”

Writing has recently become my passion. I previously thought I couldn’t write and that I had nothing important to share.  It wasn’t until my husband died that I realized I do have a gift to write.

This realization came suddenly one day during my quiet time with the Lord.  I had written a couple of posts. When I looked back on them, I began to realize how God was using me to write down words that would be of help and healing to others.  I sat in astonishment and pure awe that anything remotely intelligible would flow through me to others.  I wept thinking about this precious gift that had been on a shelf all of my life.  I have been given a great opportunity to share HIS love, grace, and mercy through being transparent with my own sufferings and challenges.

Opening myself up to others and being real has been a process for me.  I had always prided myself in being able to handle and juggle stressful life events well. In reality, I was a silent train wreck - living in an enclosed fortress of deep pain, sorrow, loss, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and unrealistic expectations.  It wasn’t until I asked the Lord to begin chipping away the walls that healing began and I was able to honestly share with others my life’s journey.

The more I shared and opened up, the stronger my desire became to share even more in hopes it would help someone else.  I no longer wanted to wear a mask and pretend I was okay all of the time.  I wanted others to know that the journey as a Christian woman is not easy.  Yes, I have eternal life to look forward to when I take my last breath, but in the meantime, I need to navigate this world and what it throws at me each day.  Some days, it is much easier than others.  I haven’t lost my faith through the hardships, but actually have been able to grow stronger.  The challenges have helped me grasp more tightly to the understanding of Christ’s sufferings and sacrifice on my behalf.

I have taken time to read and re-read scriptures about suffering and being Christ like. My pain is but a speck in comparison to His; yet, He cries with me and understands each moment of my sorrow and pain.  It is important to Him, and He grieves with me. 

Realizing that my journey may help others inspires me to keep writing and keep going forward.  I will continue to write and journal and allow the Holy Spirit to flow through me.  I will open up hidden things in my heart that have been healed so others can see they, too, can go forward and get healing.  I will be another voice crying in the wilderness pointing people to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.  I will do this with as much grace and humility as I can muster in order to truly be a light for Christ in this dark world.

Yes, l suffered deeply, but I can honestly say I received so much more healing and have more joy because of my sorrows.  These scars allow me to honestly share the depth of Christ’s healing power and love from a heart of experience.

I am taking this gift off the shelf and unwrapping it for HIS glory and to help others in similar situations.  Is it time for you to do the same?

Forever,

His Beloved Warrior Bride

Flourishing in the New!

Fifteen years ago my mother gave me an Amaryllis.  It sat in the corner of my Hummingbird garden until a year ago when I moved into a new home.

During the entire 15 years, the plant lived but never grew and never blossomed.  When I moved into my new home a friend and her husband helped create a beautiful desert paradise in my back yard.  Lantana and new soil were added to my Amaryllis.  It received a great amount of sun and plenty of water.

Recently, while I was out in the yard, to my amazement I noticed the plant had grown tall and was blooming.  Beautiful flowers were open and stood stately in the planter.  I was shocked.  I had not previously noticed the growth and ensuing beauty.  I had been busy watering and tending to the plants but had not taken time to sit and enjoy their beauty.  It was in a quiet moment with the Lord that I looked up and saw the bloom.  I was in awe.

The plant had lived where it was, but now it was flourishing in this new place.  It had been given new soil, more water and sun.  What a difference it made!

This is like my grief journey.  I was living and surviving, but I needed a change in order to grow and flourish.  I had moved out of the home I shared with my beloved and was creating a new place of my own. 

15 years is a long time for a plant to survive without thriving.  As I relate it to grief, I am thankful that it did not take me 15 years to decide to move forward with my life.  I don’t want to just survive, but to flourish and thrive.  As I turned the corner and began to see light in the darkness, things began to change.  I had a new perspective on life, love, happiness and joy.  I slowly began to realize that I had a lot left to give others and to also give myself.  I saw a complete person in Christ instead of being Don’s wife.  I might no longer carry that Title around people, but that is now okay with me.  I am His Beloved Warrior Bride!  I was given a new name and a new purpose in life. 

Loss causes a plethora of emotions and I probably had all of them.  It wasn’t until I began to want to live again that new emotions surfaced.  Joy, Gladness, Contentment and Peace began to fill my heart and mind.  I slowly began to see changes, and one day I looked back and realized how far I had come.  It was as though a light bulb switched on, and I realized I was happier, more content, full of joy and peace and glad to be going forward with life!  My journey is far from over, but now 4 years later, I can truly say that I am living again. 

All of us love and grieve differently.  None of us will have the exact story, but we are all on this road together linked arm and arm.  As you walk your journey, I would pray that the Holy Spirit begin to gently encourage you to allow yourself to begin moving forward.  Each moment you breathe, each step you take is another step forward.  Allow your mind and spirit to go with you!  As you commit to this, one day you, too, will be flourishing.

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna

Forever Lost In His Love!

Forever Lost In His Love!

He puts His tender arms around me and begins to wipe away my tears.  He whispers love songs in my ear and reminds me of His love for me.

I weep violently and almost vomit from the pain.  My heart has been ripped out from me.  I don't want to go on.  The world seems dark and ugly.  I no longer have his hand to hold or his shoulder to cry on.  How am I to face this world without him.  The grief is so great I feel like my heart will stop beating.  All I can think about is the loss and the pain.

People try to give me words of encouragement, prayers and hugs.  They mean well, but it doesn't take away the stabbing pain in my chest.

I begin staying busy and stuff my feelings away on the shelf.  Being raised to "suck it up and deal with it" made it easier not to face the heartache.  I keep myself busy and find myself beginning to feel numb.  This helps for awhile, but I know eventually I will need to face reality.

Reality that my life has dramatically changed.  I am lost, lonely and in a fog.  I don't think my life will get better.  I feel destined to this life until death takes me home.

Days, weeks, months and years pass.  Slowly I begin to see the light.  Slowly I begin to smell the flowers, bask in the sunlight, listen to the songs of the birds in the trees.  Spring has sprung and what appeared dead is coming to life.  I look at the new buds on the tree and am thankful.  

New life has begun to well up in me.  I see a hope for the future.  I begin to feel again.  I allow the tears to flow and I say goodbye.  I begin a new journey with joy and anticipation.

I truly have felt like I walked through the valley of the shadow of death and have been reborn.  I will cherish the time and memories, but now it is time to start fresh.

I dig deeper into the Word of God.  I begin worshipping Him.  I slowly realize that He has become the one my soul loves!  I still have a bridegroom; one better and greater than the one I had on this earth.  I am no longer a widow, but a bride!

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna