Flourishing in the New!

Fifteen years ago my mother gave me an Amaryllis.  It sat in the corner of my Hummingbird garden until a year ago when I moved into a new home.

During the entire 15 years, the plant lived but never grew and never blossomed.  When I moved into my new home a friend and her husband helped create a beautiful desert paradise in my back yard.  Lantana and new soil were added to my Amaryllis.  It received a great amount of sun and plenty of water.

Recently, while I was out in the yard, to my amazement I noticed the plant had grown tall and was blooming.  Beautiful flowers were open and stood stately in the planter.  I was shocked.  I had not previously noticed the growth and ensuing beauty.  I had been busy watering and tending to the plants but had not taken time to sit and enjoy their beauty.  It was in a quiet moment with the Lord that I looked up and saw the bloom.  I was in awe.

The plant had lived where it was, but now it was flourishing in this new place.  It had been given new soil, more water and sun.  What a difference it made!

This is like my grief journey.  I was living and surviving, but I needed a change in order to grow and flourish.  I had moved out of the home I shared with my beloved and was creating a new place of my own. 

15 years is a long time for a plant to survive without thriving.  As I relate it to grief, I am thankful that it did not take me 15 years to decide to move forward with my life.  I don’t want to just survive, but to flourish and thrive.  As I turned the corner and began to see light in the darkness, things began to change.  I had a new perspective on life, love, happiness and joy.  I slowly began to realize that I had a lot left to give others and to also give myself.  I saw a complete person in Christ instead of being Don’s wife.  I might no longer carry that Title around people, but that is now okay with me.  I am His Beloved Warrior Bride!  I was given a new name and a new purpose in life. 

Loss causes a plethora of emotions and I probably had all of them.  It wasn’t until I began to want to live again that new emotions surfaced.  Joy, Gladness, Contentment and Peace began to fill my heart and mind.  I slowly began to see changes, and one day I looked back and realized how far I had come.  It was as though a light bulb switched on, and I realized I was happier, more content, full of joy and peace and glad to be going forward with life!  My journey is far from over, but now 4 years later, I can truly say that I am living again. 

All of us love and grieve differently.  None of us will have the exact story, but we are all on this road together linked arm and arm.  As you walk your journey, I would pray that the Holy Spirit begin to gently encourage you to allow yourself to begin moving forward.  Each moment you breathe, each step you take is another step forward.  Allow your mind and spirit to go with you!  As you commit to this, one day you, too, will be flourishing.

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna

Apple of His Eye

A Great Banquet!

He has set a great celebration banquet before us.   The room glistens as the light catches the tall crystal goblets, gold plates, and diamond, sapphire and ruby encrusted platters.  

One by one we enter the banquet hall and take our seats. There is the homeless man who sits on the corner across from the park.  As he enters, his eyes fill with tears and he begins shaking, overcome with emotion.  He looks to the ground.  Our Host walks over and gently takes the man’s hand, guiding him to the head table.  I see our Host whisper something into the man’s ear, and I see the man smile through the tears.

I recognize the woman who just entered.  She works at the local market as a cashier.  She is gleaming with excitement as she takes her place at the table.  Next, a young couple deeply engaged in conversation with each other walk in holding hands.  They are so engaged with one another they don't seem to notice the hall, the Host or even those around them.  They take seats in the far corner of the room away from everyone else.

Next, I notice the widower I met at a grief group a few months ago.  He looks sullen and shows no emotion.  He goes to his seat in an almost robotic fashion.  More and more people continue to enter until the last one arrives.  She stumbles in; her hair is matted and make-up running.  Her clothes are disheveled, and there is a wild look in her eyes.  She is scratching herself so hard some areas on her arms are bleeding.  Her eyes are darting around the room.  She appears to panic and turns to leave.  The Host quickly wraps his arms around her and begins singing quietly in her ear.  The song somehow fills the room.  It is in a language unfamiliar to me.  I see this woman mold into his embrace as he continues to sing.  As the song concludes, the Host holds her steady and guides her to the seat next to his.

Then, the Host looks in each of our eyes as if to say, “You are the apple of my eye, and I have set before you the riches of my kingdom.  Taste and see that it is nourishment for your body and soul.  Drink deeply from the living water set before you and bask in the presence and beauty of my love.  It is for each of you."

An orchestra plays; the meal is served.  Each course is presented with elegance and precision.  The food is delicious, and the music is almost angelic.  

As the evening comes to a close, the Host walks out of the door, and all of us sit motionless.  None of us wants to move. 

Suddenly, I realize that I have been in the presence of the King.  My eyes fill with tears, and my heart is filled with joy and thankfulness.  He, The King, opened wide the door to His banqueting table and encouraged ALL of us to come in. 

It is now time to open wide our banqueting tables and let others comes in.   We are ALL precious in His sight, and we are ALL The Apple of His Eye!

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna

Forever Lost In His Love!

Forever Lost In His Love!

He puts His tender arms around me and begins to wipe away my tears.  He whispers love songs in my ear and reminds me of His love for me.

I weep violently and almost vomit from the pain.  My heart has been ripped out from me.  I don't want to go on.  The world seems dark and ugly.  I no longer have his hand to hold or his shoulder to cry on.  How am I to face this world without him.  The grief is so great I feel like my heart will stop beating.  All I can think about is the loss and the pain.

People try to give me words of encouragement, prayers and hugs.  They mean well, but it doesn't take away the stabbing pain in my chest.

I begin staying busy and stuff my feelings away on the shelf.  Being raised to "suck it up and deal with it" made it easier not to face the heartache.  I keep myself busy and find myself beginning to feel numb.  This helps for awhile, but I know eventually I will need to face reality.

Reality that my life has dramatically changed.  I am lost, lonely and in a fog.  I don't think my life will get better.  I feel destined to this life until death takes me home.

Days, weeks, months and years pass.  Slowly I begin to see the light.  Slowly I begin to smell the flowers, bask in the sunlight, listen to the songs of the birds in the trees.  Spring has sprung and what appeared dead is coming to life.  I look at the new buds on the tree and am thankful.  

New life has begun to well up in me.  I see a hope for the future.  I begin to feel again.  I allow the tears to flow and I say goodbye.  I begin a new journey with joy and anticipation.

I truly have felt like I walked through the valley of the shadow of death and have been reborn.  I will cherish the time and memories, but now it is time to start fresh.

I dig deeper into the Word of God.  I begin worshipping Him.  I slowly realize that He has become the one my soul loves!  I still have a bridegroom; one better and greater than the one I had on this earth.  I am no longer a widow, but a bride!

His Beloved Warrior Bride,

Johanna

The Battle

I look down at my combat gear and see the white dress dirty, tattered, torn, drenched in my tears and blood stains from the battle.  My boots are covered in mud and full of holes.  The soles are down to bear threads and my sword is dull from all of the hours and hours of yielding it against my enemies.

I am sitting bent over exhausted from the onslaught of one attack after another, realizing it has been days since I have had time to rest!  Yet, my soul cries out in deep anguish for those still in enemy territory unable to fight on their own.

Lord, renew my strength so I can return to the front lines, I pray!

He gently takes my hand in His and guides me to HIS resting place.  He reminds me that this battle is His and the assignment has gone to someone else today.  It is time for refreshing in order to return to the battle he has commanded me to fight.

I take off my boots and begin to gently clean my swollen, bloody feet.  I dip my hands in the stream beside me and watch blood and dirt trickle away into the stream.  I gently pat the deep gashes on my face with the cool water.  It is all so refreshing!

Thank you Lord for reminding me to rest and retreat from the battles that are not mine and to remember I need renewed and refreshed to keep fighting my assigned battles.

I am forever,

Your Beloved Warrior Bride